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Charlie White, Lovingkindness

Tonight I found myself folding laundry while trying to watch Polanski's Venus in Furs, somewhat tricky as it also requires me to read subtitles. But such is the lot of the single mom who wants to indulge in film watching.

After a very mild and rather dry winter, it seems that spring has already sprung here in Mudville. And change, I can feel it, is underfoot. I may move, I may get some time off, I may get to live near someone I'd really like to. You know, when those first sprigs of jasmine start blooming, or the bulbs start pushing up, or the magnolias just stare at you about to open. And you know all hell is about to break loose? It's a heady time. One can't not feel hopeful and excited and a little bit tremulous. Age has taught me to be guarded, of course, the storm might just be around the corner, I might not get the job, the dude may not work out, but, but, there is a bounce in my step. Not just mine. The whole damn block. We are out and about. We are walking our dogs. We are stopping to chat just a little bit longer. Hell, I just put bird feed back in the feeder. The Christmas trees have been picked up by the city, the pine needles brushed away, and the lights packed up into tidy, brown boxes.

As for me, having options on the table suddenly makes me feel a bit drunk with it all. The last two and a half years of parenting have been miraculous, hard as hell, and, mostly, utterly exhausting. I still don't sleep through the night. I still stay up too late, greedy for the alone time. I still don't have time for anything except the most important daily tasks. Me, that who-I-am-ness, has shrunk to an alarmingly small space these last coupla years and I am eager and ready to stretch my wings a little. It's my turn to have something new.

And my little girl? She is alternately, to quote: really tall, or really little, depending on the mood. She is ready to ride her bike around block after block, or falling down crying when she gets the wrong nipple on the bottle. She says sorry a little more than I'd like. But, she is always game for an adventure. And. She now kisses my fingers when I stub them. She checks in with me, Are you happy now? when she knows I am not. She fucking recognizes letters! Hers, mine, and the one that looks like a snake. Those feelings of togetherness, of being a team, or Z and I taking on the world are with me in every breadth. And when she reaches for my hand to cross the street, I can't help but think, I got this little bear. I got you. Tooth and nail. Tooth. And. Nail.