Monday, February 21, 2005

Manna

man-na

1. In the Bible, the food miraculously provided for the Israelites in the wilderness during their flight from Egypt.

2. Spiritual nourishment of divine origin.

3. Something of value that a person receives unexpectedly: viewed the bonus as manna from heaven.

4. The dried exudate of certain plants, as that of the Mediterranean ash tree, formerly used as a laxative.

5. A sweet granular substance excreted on the leaves of plants by certain insects, especially aphids, and often harvested by ants.

My friend Juan calls it manna. And when he talks about it, he reaches a fever pitch. It's different for everyone and hard to find for those, like myself, who follow no particular religious practice. It's that returning-to-the-well, what-keeps-you-going, just-checking-in moment of total communion. We all have the means within us and we are all constantly searching for different or easier ways to engage with it. For him, a writer, it was masturbation. And depending on the writer's block, he needed it more or he just needed it less.

Now, I am probably the only woman in the United States who doesn't do yoga. I don't meditate, pray, chant or do stand-up comedy (surely a cathartic experience if there was one.) And these days, I am looking for manna. Getting lost on a muddy hike in the Mudville mountains until my mind wanders so far off, I am nowhere; reading the quiet and stunning poetry of Mary Oliver whose last stanzas never fail to slay me and put me in my rightful place; sobbing til the sheets are wet and your jaw aches; and of course, sweaty, mind-depleting sex; all these things can bring me back to myself. Back to the point of it all. Back to the reason for getting up each day.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

U BE ILIN



i love flea markets.

Quitsville

I call it a break up. Quitsville. Over. Whatever.
I don't know what he calls it.
The only people I have confided in so far are two ex-boyfriends.
And it's been two weeks.
That can't be healthy.
I have called other friends and tried.
But I couldn't seem to bring it up.
It's just harder with couples.

Last night we boiled 3 live crabs.
I'd never done that before.
But I s'pose
if you eat meat
it wouldn't hurt you to be closer to that food chain business,
know what I mean?

DSCN0102_1

The beginning: there is no joy

Call me Casey.
That's not my real name.
But it's how I feel today
and every day.



But Casey is a girl
not that that's terribly important.

Here's what you should know for today.
I always root for the underdog.
And mostly I'm talking about boyfriends.
If you have your shit together, I will never pick you,
we will never get married
or make babies together.
You would have to be a mess,
or underemployed,
or emotionally scarred,
or physically wounded,
or all of the above.
Only then would you have a chance with me.

Mr. Hennessy made us memorize two poems in 7th grade.
The first was Casey At The Bat,
and the other was The Road Not Taken.
They are both somewhat wistful, I think, looking back now.
Although one is about the glass half-empty
and the other about it being full.
They have always stuck with me.
And whenever I am down and out,
I call it Mudville.
If you haven't figured it out yet
this ain't about baseball.

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

----Robert Frost

Casey at the Bat


The outlook wasn't brilliant for the Mudville nine that day;
The score stood four to two with but one inning left to play;
And then, when Cooney died at first, and Barrows did the same,
A sickly silence fell upon the patrons of the game.

A straggling few got up to go, in deep despair. The rest
Clung to that hope which "springs eternal in the human breast;"
They thought, If only Casey could but get a whack at that,
We'd put up even money now, with Casey at the bat.

But Flynn procede Casey, as did also Jimmy Blake,
And the former was a no-good and the latter was a fake;
So, upon that stricken multitude grim meloncholy sat,
For there seemed but little chance of Casey's getting to the bat.

But Flynn let drive a single, to the wonderment of all,
And Blake, the much despised, tore the cover off the ball,
And when the dust had lifted and men saw what had occurred,
There was Jimmy safe at second, and Flynn a-huggin' third.

Then from five thousand throats and more threr rose a lusty yell,
It rumbled through the valley, it rattled in the dell,
It knocked upon the mountain and recoiled upon the flat,
For Casey, mighty Casey, was advancing to the bat.

There was ease in Casey's manner as he stepped into his place;
There was pride in Casey's bearing and a smile on Casey's face,
And when, responding to the cheers, he lightly doffed his hat,
No stranger in the croud could doubt `twas Casey at the bat.

Ten thousand eyes were on him as he rubbed his hands with dirt;
Five thousand tounges applauded as he wiped them on his shirt.
Then, while the writhing pitcher ground the ball into his hip,
Defiance gleamed in Casey's eye, a sneer curled Casey's lip.

And now the leather-covered sphere came hurtling through the air,
And Casey stood a-watching it in haughty grandeur there,
Close by the sturdy batsman the ball unheeded sped --
"That ain't my style," said Casey. "Strike one," the umpire said.

From the benches, black with people, there went up a muffled roar,
Like the beating of the storm waves on a stern and distant shore.
"Kill him; kill the umpire!" shouted someone from the stand;--
And it's likely they'd have killed him had not Casey raised his hand.

With a smile of Christian charity great Casey's visage shone;
He stilled the rising tumult; he bade the game go on;
He signaled to the pitcher, and once more the spheroid flew;
But Casey still ignored it, and the umpire said, "Strike two."

"Fraud," cried the maddened thousands, and the echo answered "Fraud,"
But one scornful look from Casey, and the multitude was awed.
The saw his face grow stern and cold; they saw his muscles strain,
And they knew that Casey wouldn't let that ball go by again.

The sneer is gone from Casey's lip; his teeth are clenched in hate;
He pounds with cruel violence his bat upon the plate.
And now the pitcher holds the ball, and now he lets it go,
And now the air is shattered by the force of Casey's blow.

Oh! somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light.
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;
But there is no joy in Mudville -- mighty Casey has Struck Out.

---Ernest Lawrence Thayer